To the Man Who I Call The Magician,
You really were the apple of my eye, my love for you was like a constant burning flame but as time went by, you became so self absorbed, so self-centered, so indifferent and so blazei; somehow for a while, it all became so normal to me. I gave you excuses, I justified your actions – YOU WERE BUSY! But, you gave me so many reasons to cry and you gave me so much anxiety, frustration and a very broken heart.
Looking back, I beat myself up sometimes as I think I allowed you to treat me this way but then I reassure myself by saying “No, I was honest in my love for you”. “I tried my best to communicate with you.” “I tried all ways to tell you how I feel but your was back turned away from me and you never faced me again.” What a coward you were?!
Your silent treatment towards me cut me like a knife. Your empty words & promises reassured me for a week at most. I didn’t trust you (I thought I did and I would’ve denied it at the time). I had every right not to trust you though. There are things that I know about you that you don’t even know that I know. I’m one step ahead of you but I played dumb and I gave you the benefit of the doubt, maybe that was my naivety in motion. You were cruel in your indirect actions. You portray yourself to the world as a kind, loving being who has the heart of a lion. To me, a lion’s heart has courage, love, protection and so much strength. You have none of them, you’re what I call ice cold & heartless.
The distance between us was bad enough as it was and I tried my best to make it work. But, my calls went unanswered even though you were online, my texts remained unanswered sometimes even months went by, I was ignored even though you would view my instagram story every time I posted. When you would reply to me, it ended up just being one worded answers. But again, I gave you the benefit of the doubt, silly me! But your words reassured me that all was fine and that YOU WERE BUSY!
The opposite of love is not hate, it’s indifference. What you did to me was mental torture. When you did decide to reappear in my life every now and then, your reassuring words would comfort me, if only just temporarily until you performed your magic act of disappearing once again.
Let’s rewind to the beginning of the pandemic shall we, Mr Magician? I recall letting you know that I had Covid, you replied that I should get tested and get well soon. Nice enough, caring, and thoughtful. BUT, after that, there was no sign of you. You called me just 3 times in 2020. How the hell did I put up with that?
Sometimes, I wouldn’t even ask you if everything is alright between us, I would just pretend that everything is fine and there is nothing wrong but deep down, my anxiety was immense. I never told anyone the true feeling of how I felt. It wasn’t even embarrassment, I just couldn’t put it into words, I couldn’t describe the intensity of my emotions because my words could not do my feelings justice so I just said everything is fine and I don’t want to focus on it.
I loved you. I would’ve done anything for you. I did do everything for you. I still wish you well but I don’t even think you deserve that. I am not the first person you’ve done this too (that I am sure of because you played it so well) and I certainly won’t be the last. What a skill, you should put it on your CV!
You see, a person like you will never be happy although if you work on your toxic ways, you may just be able to be happy. However, I am sure that one day that you will meet your match and receive the same back (I wish that, only so you know how painful it is), and although I wish nothing bad on you – I wish you a small taste of your own medicine.
I’ve learned a lot from you and I am grateful that you were in my life (of what I thought would be a lifetime) but it turned out to only be a short chapter. I’ve happily let you go now, I wish you happiness and I hope you don’t treat the next woman the way you treated me otherwise, you will end up a lonely old man.
I’ve moved on, I’m with someone new, I’m experiencing positive change of circumstances that I didn’t have with you, I’m free of the game playing and I’m free from you.
Risen Warrior Woman